Full Moon Breakdown

by tirzah on October 10, 2017

I was already pissy on my way to the full moon drum circle. My air con had rudely stopped working and I had been out most of the day compassionately helping my 92 year old grandma with her errands. I was balls deep in miserable traffic, sweaty and lacking any tolerance for obstacles. As my patience dulled, more upsetting thoughts crowded my frustrated head. The monthly weakness within slowly began to let my tensions coagulate and snowball. 

By the time I reached the desert park, I knew I wouldn’t make it up the mountain in time for the sacred festivities. A part of me was determined to race to the top but my body resisted. The beautiful torment of my approaching moon cycle weighed heavy in my lower half. I had little time to decide what to do.

It would be absurd for me to believe the moon has no effect on my body when Her pull is strong enough to move oceans. I am mostly water and sensitive to cosmic vibrations. The lunar influence created uterine ache to remind me to listen to the higher calling of my body over my busy mind. Many times prior She has urged me to tune into my deeper needs. So I sat down.

Fomo (fear of missing out) set in. Honoring the moon with like-minded souls thrilled me. I wanted to be at the top, listening to the instruments and feeling the vibes of the group. I began to miss the comfort and support of the islands, the coolness of the sea breeze and the sunset drum circles I would often frequent there.

I recalled having spent time at that particular park as a young girl with my Dad. The memories flooded in from what seemed like a lifetime past. They invited tears to pool up in my tired eyes. I missed him. He would have sat with me and then I wouldn’t have been so alone, but I lost him years ago. I vowed to sit on the picnic table by myself until the moon’s glow lit up the sky over the mountains.

I had little energy to participate in any activity beyond sitting still. I could still sense the sweet intensity of the ancient practice high above me, just barely making out the sound of drums beating in the distance. I felt overwhelmed with feelings. I breathed deeper as my inner goddess encouraged a soft smile to form. The voice inside told me how wonderful it is to FEEL.

I wept because I live in an imperfect world where so many sentient beings are needlessly suffering. The thought of those less fortunate broke my heart and I cried even more. I knew how blessed I was to be outside, not far from where 100 people had gathered in unity to offer worship to the great sky, earth, moon and beyond.

I mentally thanked everyone for showing up even though I was unable to push myself up the hill. I gave thanks to vulnerability as well. And then, I witnessed a hint of light rising into the sky. The brightness of the great moon shone proudly. It was comforting and powerful. I not only saw the extraordinary celestial orb, but felt Her potent effect on my human form.

“It is a beautiful and delightful sight to behold the body of the Moon.” ~Galileo 

I drove away in the direction of that moon as John Lennon’s Imagine came on. I blasted it on repeat the entire drive home, wishing for a peaceful world, outside and within. I could, did and will imagine.

I entered my home initially wanting more space to pout and release any pent up emotions. But my beloved is caring, thoughtful and supportive. I went directly to the couch to fall. “What’s wrong my love? What can I do for you? How can I help?”

All I really wanted was to get cozy and eat popcorn. It hit me. We hardly had any left and that thought triggered a deep, heavy breakdown. I wailed. “We don’t have any popcorn! And I hate my phone. I HATE IT!” Tears and snot blanketed my sad face as I bawled. It was a phenomenal release. My lover held my heart, saying nothing but sending his kindness through the warmth of his magic hands.

It’s fascinating how a number of minor inconveniences can accumulate into such a fantastic shit storm! The moon, my hormones and own mind worked well together at convincing me all was shot to hell. I felt like a bitch for throwing a tantrum over lack of popcorn; a real asshole for overreacting while others in the world are actually hurting much worse. I usually prefer being a ray of sunshine with a sweet, open heart. But I believe in balance so I allow the bitch in me to emerge when she has the need to express herself. My inner goddess gently encouraged me to let go of any comparisons and be okay feeling whatever I felt.

“Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.” ~David Borenstein

I settled, purged a few more tears, calmed the pressure, then decided to self medicate with a hit of herbal plant medicine. Emotional strength eased back. The decision to run to the store empowered me. My lover drove us to get more popcorn and we spent the rest of the night in bed with Game of Thrones.

No matter, I am grateful for the breakdowns, the yin energies, emotions and feels; grateful for the monthly splendor of the full moon, my feminine essence and the qualities that once in awhile, come along with it. Humble yet proud that I didn’t suppress what came up, as that would have been easier to do with distractions and harsher judgments. I knew it wasn’t the popcorn, the heat, my phone, traffic or missing out on the drum circle that specifically irked me. It was a combination of them all mixed with a bit of endocrine imbalance.  

This existence is full of magic and mysteries. I am open to how I receive and observe them; either by chanting, singing and dancing around in a circle on the top of a mountain with conscious beings under a full moon, or tenderly crying my eyes out because that’s what my body needed at the time. The mind can be a trickster but the body never lies.

“[The moon] … is an example of practiced stability … it wanes when it must, and reliably returns to full strength … it is a humble model of reasonable potential that I can emulate, and follow.” ~Terry Crawford Palardy

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